trauma & mental health
Mental health stigmas have always been an added source of anxiety and pain for someone struggling with mental health problems in their life. Now, compound that pain with chains of addiction and unhealed trauma from your past that has never been dealt with, and you have a catastrophic recipe for destruction served to satan on a silver platter.
There are more people today that deal with mental health problems in some form than in all of recorded history. There are multiple theories for the “why” that this is taking place; internet, social media platforms, mobile apps, mass media/news, pharmaceutical industry, diet, the list can go on and on but irregardless of the source here we are. Trauma for years past has always been thought to be as a result of combat in war, vehicle accidents and visible traumatic situations. But there are so many more forms of trauma that we can experience in this life that can drastically alter our course of life and our actions.
When we meet our spouse we are putting our best self forward on a daily basis to attempt to win them over and impress them. None of us early in our relationships are thinking about opening up and exposing the ugly that is inside of us that we have carried since childhood. So we start our relationships hiding behind a mask to avoid exposing who we are at our core and the pain we have been hiding because no one can see it anyways so it really won’t affect anyone else. Wrong. That statement is a lie from Satans mouth in the pit of hell. Unhealed trauma can destroy lives, marriages, and families and lead to generational torment that will completely alter your lineage. Unhealed trauma, addiction, and mental health all go hand in hand especially when discussing how they affect a husband and wife in the marriage relationship. Unhealed trauma can be almost any and everything you can think of.
We started this blog because of all that we have been through its our hope and prayer that our seasons of pain can guide others to Christ who is the prescription for your marriage to proliferate. In deciding to do this we are going to be real, raw, open, and honest with the hopes that you might be able to relate and connect to some of our discussions in a way that you can pivot in your life and marriage and avoid satans attacks to destroy your marriage.
Unhealed trauma in our marriage didn’t fully surface until we had been married for years already and found ourselves on the verge of divorce, what would have been second time for each of us. But God. My wife had no idea the who the emotional train wreck that she had married. It took hell on earth for my wife to begin to learn about the details of my childhood and the way that I handled and dealt with trauma. Long story short, my mother died when I was 16 from an “undiagnosed neurological disease” that no one in this country not even the sharpest doctors at the mayo clinic could figure out. Leading up to her sickness I don't have a single memory of my parents having any argument, disagreement, or fight. On the flip side of that looking back I don't have a single memory of my parents grossing me out or being physical and emotional to each other in front of me. Even having a paper thin bedroom wall that I shared with my parents bedroom I don't have a single memory of hearing arguments or ever once thinking about throwing up because my parents are getting it on. I quickly learned that the perfect marriage is one without fights or arguments and I have always had a fear that if we are fighting then we aren't supposed to be together because happily married couples never fight. This sounds absurd but i genuinely still to this day get overwhelming anxiety when my wife and i have any disagreement or argument. It is physically painful and sometimes even makes me nauseated because the amount of internal panic and anxiety is impossible to describe.
My reality of what marriage looks like was completely distorted and that thinking led to an unbelievable amount of suppressed pain and emotions that I buried because of this perspective. Then when the pit of emotions would be overflowing at some point I would explode like a volcano full of suppressed moments that I never discussed my feelings on prior. It sucked, it sucks, it hurts, and its not pretty or healthy. Please avoid this if at all possible.
From the age 14 to 16 I watched my otherwise normal, healthy mother deteriorate into the remains of what would be difficult to even describe as a human being prior to her passing away. Whatever took her life absolute destroyed her in every way possible except for her mental awareness of what was happening. Symptoms very similar to ALS (Lou Gehrigs Disease), MS, Parkinsons, Huntingtons, and countless other diseases but no one could ever diagnose her because all tests that she ever had done came back “normal”. A confused teenage boy who was an absolute mothers boy growing up had no idea how to process or handle any of this and the church we attended at that time the theme seemed like “pray for miracles because God performs miracles and He will heal your mom”. And then He didn’t do it and didn’t answer a single one of the thousands of prayers I cried out to Him for and the theme of the church shifted to “she’s no longer suffering and in pain she’s now in heaven”. Awesome…. So just live life because she’s good now and move forward basically without questioning anything and never talk about it. I quickly learned early on that any thoughts feelings and emotions regarding anything in life is mine to deal with because no one else cares. I buried a lot of pain, confusion, frustration, anger and countless other emotions thinking that if I buried it deep enough it will never come back and life can go on in this new normal.
I couldn’t have been more wrong because Jesus tells us in Luke 8:17 “For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light.” What I thought would protect me led me to a place of torment that my spouse and marriage would pay the ultimate price for.
I began attempting to heal my trauma with substance abuse that started out under the care of a physician and thinking that you are going to heal yourself with substance abuse and addiction is a lie from the enemy. Fully embracing our savior and giving all control of your life to Christ is the only way to fully heal and overcome past trauma and addiction. No matter what the symptom in your life may be Jesus Christ is the answer to everything, surrender FULLY surrender your life to Him and He will completely change you in ways you can’t imagine. My wife unknowingly married a drug addict with unhealed wounds that would lead us to almost complete destruction. If you carry past hurts, trauma, pain, addiction, or anything that you have suppressed and your spouse is completely in the dark on it I PROMISE the best thing you can do for your marriage is sit your spouse down immediately and tear down your walls together. I buried my pain out of fear that exposing my deepest pain would justify to my wife that we aren't meant to be together and she would never understand and divorce number 2 would be served. Fast forward a few years and I had done so many unthinkable things in this life chasing the dopamine of addiction because it was the only moment in time I didn’t have to feel pain. Instead of talking to the greatest person I have ever had in my life I had this complete detached idea that “well its been X amount of years I can’t say anything now I just have to keep it all together and keep the mask on because she won’t understand.”
We were in a very dark place in life 1000% because of every horrible decision that I made and I felt like I was laying at the bottom of the darkest pit on earth completely broken by all that I had done and I thought, things can’t get any worse so let it all out. And for the first time in my life as my wall came down I could PHYSICALLY feel weights coming off of me, completely broken I exposed every inch of my heart to my wife something I had never done before and over the course of weeks, months, and even years exposing all of me to her and giving her all that I am, I began to feel like the person that I had not been in 20 years. I could breathe for the first time again. This was hands down the most painful season of my life and to have the relationship that I finally have with my wife I would choose pain a thousand times over again only I would choose it 10 years ago when we first met to avoid all of the brokenness that I have caused in my marriage.
The most amazing thing in all of this is grace. Grace from Jesus for forgiving me and never leaving me and my wife having the exact same grace as Christ does. In one of our nightly conversations Tasha asked me “why couldn’t you have loved me this way our entire relationship?” And without thinking and even realizing what I was saying I replied with absolute truth and said “I didn’t love myself, I didn’t know how to love myself, I didn’t deserve to be loved by me so how could I ever truly love anyone without loving who I am?” I could see that it took her back and it looked like every light switch that had never been turned on all at the same time were flipped on. She told me “oh my gosh, it all makes sense, I completely understand.” I wish I could go back to the fall of 2013 and have that exact conversation with my wife.
No matter how bad I wish ill never be able to but if there is any opportunity for you to open up to your spouse and have a difficult conversation about things in your life don't wait, do it today. We have literally traveled through hell and back together and it could have been avoided if I would have voluntarily opened my heart and talked about uncomfortable things. My wife is my best friend and she is the strongest human being I’ve ever known, I would not be alive and on this earth today if not for her and all that she is. I owe the rest of my life to making the rest of her life the best of her life.
I failed to lead my wife closer to Christ in our marriage, I was wearing the mask and checking the box on Sunday's and was in no way living for Jesus or for my wife. If you don't lead your wife and family then by default satan will. That is a recipe for complete devastation. LEAD YOUR WIFE CLOSER TO CHRIST AND HE WILL BLESS YOUR MARRIAGE IN WAYS YOU CANT IMAGINE! Healing past hurts and trauma and overcoming the prison of addiction is a war, but for your spouse, marriage, and family it is worth it! If your struggling with any or all of these areas first tell your spouse, pray together in the moment, and reach out to a pastor or christian counsellor for support and guidance through this difficult time. Your storm may seem like the rapture and feel never ending. It won’t last forever and no matter how difficult or painful it will be worth it because the beauty of your marriage that is on the other side of this storm is marriage Gods way the way He designed and intended your marriage to be.
Ephesians 5:25-33
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Written by: Andrew Lasater