A holey heart…
A holey heart… Not the “holy” you may be thinking, I’m talking a heart full of so many holes it looks more like a sponge than what you would expect a heart to look like. I think of this like “baggage” in the form of a dormant infection that when exposed to the specific toxin becomes activated to proliferate. It starts slow, with minimal symptoms that will begin to fester and progress to a painful infection that must be treated with medication or the infected area will eventually die. When trauma or baggage comes into our life some of us are able to recognize it and have the resources to assess it, diagnose it, and then treat it accordingly during the acute phase so that symptoms are temporary and manageable. Some people that experience trauma may not recognize it or the resources around them will give them treatments that might slow the growth at the time but eventually it is going to spread and as it spreads it will be much more intense and the treatment your going to have to endure to eradicate it will be extensive. Coming from a medical background as a nurse this scenario makes sense but if it seems completely out of left field were going to bring it full circle in a much more realistic scenario.
Trauma has the potential to leave gaps or holes in your heart if untreated. The loss of your mother at 16 after two and a half years of unthinkable suffering and torment that all you were ever told is “we don’t know, she just died” followed by “she’s in heaven no longer suffering so rejoice.” When the answer to an open ended question is a closed ended response without opportunity for discussion it allows “infection” to create the formation of an empty space in your heart. Until that exact hurt is treated and healed the hole will never close. When you have one traumatic experience that is untreated there is a much greater chance for additional events to leave holes too. One infection leads to a greater risk of secondary “infections” or additional holes. Leaving these holes untreated we develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to “deal’ with these painful situations rather than process and allow yourself to truly heal and be cured. This way of “dealing” with life’s problems eventually leads to a heart full of holes that begins to look like a sponge. Instead of processing, communicating, and discussing the thoughts feelings and emotions that accompany our trauma we begin to suppress them in unhealthy ways. Since a lot of times we try to suppress the pain with unhealthy temporary “fixes” that may feel good for a season its like trying to fill a pitcher full of water with holes throughout it. No matter how much volume you attempt to “pour” into yourself the holes leak quicker than you can be filled. It’s at this point that I believe satan has his foot in the doorway and is ready to attack. Our enemy is a lot smarter than any of us care to admit and he is cunning and can make so many wrong things “feel” so right. Trauma is an open door to find yourself fully consumed in a season of “I would never in my life do….” These moments are times filled with an unrelenting amount of guilt and shame that lead to questioning if life is even worth living because at a certain point endless shame begins to feel like absolute truth and the only answer is terminating each and every one of the voices permanently. A permeant solution to a temporary problem is never the answer Jesus will give you.
Initially you might be successful in fighting off the coping mechanisms but eventually the screams get so loud that you will succumb to just about anything to silence the noise. They can start out with moderate drinking one to two nights a week because you’re an adult and nothing is wrong with the occasional drink. The Dr appointment went great and you left with a prescription to handle the anxiety when it seems like too much to bear and because its prescribed then its completely fine. Maybe you’re helping a friend move into a new home and you hurt your back helping move heavy furniture, so now you’re at a doctors appointment and leave with a prescription for narcotic pain medication because you’re truly in pain and need relief. All of these scenarios are completely realistic and happen more times on any given day than you might realize. And alcohol aside I am in no way preaching that doctors should not be writing anxiety and pain medications for patients. They absolutely have their place in medicine and can be a complete blessing in certain situations that give people peace during acute medical situations. My concern is when the pill is an attempt to fill a hole instead of treat the primary condition it was originally prescribed for. Satan has paved an interstate of acceptance around drugs and alcohol for helping people “cope” with trauma. Its almost publicly encouraged at times. “I can’t wait to leave the cemetery and start drinking, this day has been overwhelming and I just don’t want to feel anything anymore.” While in that moment it seems like a great option to escape only your escaping down the wrong staircase. Instead of processing and talking about all of the pain, disassociating from it with substance abuse is the shovel that digs deeper holes. These holes keep you from being filled and overflowing with the holy spirit. No matter how “religious” you may be able to appear on the outside if your heart is not filled then its all smoke and mirrors and none of us can deceive Christ.
Allowing Jesus to fill our hearts and heal our trauma from the inside of our heart out is the only way to completely heal us. If we’re searching for other means to heal ourselves then we can only play the part for so long before the truth comes out and that exposure leads to another wave of guilt and shame that will attempt to drowns us.
Proverbs 3:5-8 tells us: “5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. 7 Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. 8 It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”
We must give it ALL to our savior, we are incapable of anything in life without Him and we must surrender every hurt, pain, fear, frustration, disappointment, and trauma to Him. We can’t expect to be healed while still carrying the burdens that broke us in the first place. We must surround ourselves with like minded believers and friends. It is only going to further complicate your pain if your circle is full of friends that are only going to push you to negative coping mechanisms that aren’t going to build us up and support us in our relationship with Christ. If your support systems are encouraging late nights with any kind of substance abuse to “numb away the pain” then that relationship has to be severed because there is no healing that will ever begin to take place in that environment.
Ephesians 5:18-20 says: “18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing on another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Our healing begins and ends with Jesus and the Holy Spirit living, breathing, and moving in our hearts. There is no greater surgeon for our heart than the Holy Spirit. Finding support in your pastor, a church elder, or even a Christian counsellor can be a priceless resource for support and guidance to navigate through the healing of your past trauma and heart breaks. Get involved in your local church and begin serving, Christ doesn’t call the qualified He qualifies the called and stepping out of your comfort zone will open doors to allow like minded believers to come into your circle and develop friendships that will grow and help heal you. Healing and filling the holes of past pain and trauma is not an overnight process and part of that reason is that in healing Christ is molding you to use your painful trauma to become an outspoken testimony for Him to reach people you never could have imagined to bring glory to His name. We are all still alive for a reason and Christ has each and every one of us in unique situations through our past experiences that He will give hope and healing to someone in the middle of their greatest trauma. Our deepest pain can become our loudest reason to give Him praise for all that He done in our lives. Its my prayer that God can use my past, full of brokenness, regret, and shame, for Him to reach others in storms of similar seasons, what the devil meant for bad God meant for good and He will use your mess to become His message for hope and healing in your life.
Matthew 19:26 “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
God can heal your trauma and use it to store up eternal treasure in heaven that will never fade.
Written by Andrew Lasater