Marriage Struggles Feeling Unworthy & Undeserving

Sin, no one knows your sin better than you...and Christ. Christ was crucified and rose again three days later to ultimately once and for all conquer sin fully and completely. Many of us know this without a second thought yet we love guilt ourself endlessly for the wrong we have done even though we’ve prayed multiple times over confessing and asking for forgiveness for the exact same sin. If you have ever done something that destroyed those closest to you then you might understand where I am coming from. We may acknowledge that we are forgiven but because of what we did we aren’t deserving to forget about it and will punish ourselves with relentless and endless guilt and shame. “Jesus I know and believe that you died on the cross for this sin that I committed, but your punishment wasn’t adequate for what I have done so for the next 6 months I am going to flood my heart and soul with so much guilt that I am missing opportunities to love and serve you better. Then after its been long enough and I have fought with guilt induced depression I will slowly begin to forgive myself and allow your suffering to cover my sin.” Can anyone relate?

Remember when you and your spouse went on your first date? If its anything like ours was it was hands down the best day in my life (my wife might say otherwise, my shoes were hideous). Yes better than my children being born because without this event my children would never have been born, but they are a close second. When i look back on that day I can’t think of a single thing that could have happened that would have made the day better than it was. I think about the last 10 years together and then compare all of the wrong that I have done to that day and there’s not a person on this earth that would disagree with the fact that I am so undeserving and unworthy to be sitting here and call Tasha my wife. I knew at the end of that date that Tasha was the woman that was going to change my life. I sat in my car at her apartment and told myself “This girl gives me a reason for living and to get off drugs, and be the man I was created to be.” She has done just that and so much more than I could have ever dreamed. I was absolutely crazy, lost, in love with her. Ironically she wasn’t even legally divorced yet and at one point made the comment "I am never getting married again.” While prior to that statement I already knew “one day I am going to marry you!” Its safe to say I would do anything for her. And I did. We worked together for years and would rotate being on call and if she was on call and we got called in after 10pm I already knew that I am covering her call from 10pm-6am and there were times she got called in the middle of the night to go in and I sure did go take her place. Im not talking about these things to praise myself but to give context with how crazy about this woman I was.

Seasons change. We had been married for a few months and I began trying to get off pain meds after years of abuse and addiction. I told myself after our first date that one day I would be done with drugs but I didn’t fully process what that would look like. Going cold turkey off of hydrocodone (and just about any injectable opiate) that I had built up an extreme tolerance to was absolutely horrendous for weeks. She was there, next to me, worried about how bad this was going to get, calling friends trying to find help. I would completely drench our bedsheets in a few hours from sweating like a fire hydrant and on more than one occasion couldn’t get out of bed quick enough to make it to the restroom. She was there, changing sheets cleaning up, worrying about me. Marriage is HARD, it can be UGLY, but my wife is a living breathing example of the definition of a covenant. Marriage isn’t a contract but is a sealed covenant between husband, wife, and God. Not only did she stand with me during that storm but while finishing her masters degree she was on a medical mission trip in Nicaragua, while pregnant with our twins, and came home to find out while she was away I managed to get fired from the hospital we BOTH were employed at and the board of nursing was reviewing my record for possible disciplinary action. Nothing says welcome home more than “I was fired while you were gone.” She returned to work knowing that people were going to talk, and she loved me anyways. I could write an entire book about all the wrong that I have done in my life. Addicted to drugs, lies, relapse, lies, fired from my job, more lies, adultery, lies, disappointment, failure, hidden trauma, and on and on. I wanted to shed some light on our reality so that there’s perspective to all of this.

Your marriage is a covenant secured by God, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mark 10:9. The absolutely only way to have an amazing marriage is Christ at the center leading both husband and wife. No matter what your relationship has been through the power of our God is stronger than any earthly thing. When I finally let go of my life and fully gave it fully over to God He began to change me from the inside out. It wasn’t easy, at times it still isn’t easy and is hard work for me to open up and talk about things that give me anxiety and make me feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t pretty, you have to remember that every single day there is an enemy full of demonic forces that HATES your marriage and wants to completely destroy it. You have to know that spiritual warfare is REAL and satan wants to kill your marriage. If this is something you don’t believe to be true then satan already has the front door to your marriage wide open. You might as well be inviting him inside to have a seat on your couch and offer him a drink. He will use any means necessary to alter your course of life just one degree. Something seemingly irrelevant that might not even be noticeable but over the course of months to years he can have you so lost you don’t even know who you are. Even if he can cast doubt into who you are in Christ and keep you from serving your spouse how Christ called you to then you are missing Gods will for your life and marriage.

So often I feel unworthy and undeserving of the goodness that I have in my life. I spent over half my life trying to measure up to “good” on Gods scale. Trying so hard to “be better” to do better and to sin less so that God will be empressed and proud of who I am. This is the opposite of the Gospel. I wasted so much of my life chasing this unattainable goal that I could “earn” Gods love and grace and after years of falling short and feeling like a complete failure I put my external mask on and gave up internally. Still went to church, checked the box, said the correct things but was so empty inside I began to fill the void with any and everything possible that would give me a temporary dopamine hit to escape the endless emptiness. This led to a self induced prison that I always assumed eventually would take my life. But God. I can remember watching a lifechurch sermon series that pastor Craig Groeschel preached and being so overwhelmed, crying so hard I could not breathe. I had a true encounter with Christ in a way I can’t even begin to describe and that was the beginning of me FOLLOWING Gods path for my life. I would be lying if I said that it was amazing, like the flip of a light switch and everything has been blissful since without any struggle in any way. This began my turn on to Gods freeway of healing me personally. This process would end up taking years and is still a road I am traveling on and will occasionally encounter construction work. I am so thankful for Gods endless grace and mercy and for Christ taking my place on the cross to cover every one of my sins with his blood. I believe and understand that when we pray and ask God for forgiveness of our sins and repent then in that moment our sins are forgiven. Psalms 103:12 assures us “as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”

Satan however knows our weaknesses, he is much more cunning than people care to admit and knows exactly how to hit us. I know God has forgiven me of all my sins, but because I felt I didn’t deserve Gods grace and mercy (grace is unmerited favor of God/Mercy is not giving us what we deserve) in my life and even more so in my marriage. Satan consumed me with mountains of guilt and shame for all that I had done. I allowed myself to acknowledge Gods forgiveness in my life but aside from that satan led me to believe that I would never be deserving of Grace and mercy from my wife. Satan is going to attack us at our weakest and most vulnerable places and in this season because of my choices he knew I would drown in guilt and shame to the point of having passing thoughts of suicide. Guilt and shame are weights that can feel heavier than the earth itself and can literally make us feel like we are suffocating. I spent months tormented in a self hatred that led me to believe I didn’t deserve to live much less to be lucky and blessed enough to have my wife and children in my life. At my core I knew that me leaving this earth would only destroy my wife and children beyond anything I could imagine and that pain is the last thing they would ever deserve. I knew that my “escaping” my pain and torment is the most selfish decision I could ever make because they did nothing wrong and don’t deserve to ever feel that pain. I caused every ounce of guilt, shame, and pain in my life and I am the only person that should have to experience that pain and if I want to one day be the husband and father I was called to be then I HAVE to face my guilt, shame, and pain and truly accept and embrace Gods grace and mercy to get me through it. For so long I felt if I didn’t consume myself In misery then I would be excusing all of the wrong that I had done so I have to continue to punish myself. Two things are wrong about that statement, 1: I am wasting the opportunity of every day that I am alive to be a witness for Christ and to love and serve my wife and family like I am called to, and 2: Me choosing to live in guilt and shame is telling Christ the suffering and torment that you experienced on the cross it just wasn’t bad enough to cover the wrong that I have done and so because of that not being enough then I have to continue to punish myself. Both are lies from the pit of hell and if you are in that pit cry out to Christ and He will rescue you, you just have to ask and there is nothing wrong with reaching out to a close friend, pastor, counselor or even myself for help. There are some truths that Satan can twist to begin to bury you with. He can even throw Bible verses at us to reiterate this fact, 1: Romans 3:10 As it is written there is none righteous no not one. Don’t let the enemy twist this in his favor. You are not worthy, your spouse is not worthy, your pastor is not worthy, Paul was not worthy, David was not worthy, John the Baptist was not worthy. Get the idea? We only become worthy by being covered by the blood of Christ living and walking in relationship with Him 2: Isaiah 64:6 tells us All our righteous deeds are like filthy rags. Meaning no matter what we do, how perfect we like to think we are being NONE of anything we could ever do could be good enough. Satan if we aren’t careful can use both of these verses to pile more guilt and shame on. Not good enough, not worthy but none of us are and that’s the freedom that the Holy Spirit fills us with. None of any of this life is about us. It’s Jesus, our lives being lived in pursuit of Christ and His will for our lives on this earth to love and serve Him must be first. If that is our first priority then loving and serving our spouse as our number 2 will be a blessing beyond what we could ever imagine.

Living in a pit of feeling unworthy and undeserving will NEVER bring glory to God. If even just for a day the enemy can distort your focus from Christ and what He has done for us to all of the sin I have committed and that I am unworthy to live spirit filled then satan will be celebrating. Satan loves to multiply the power of the sin and the wrong that we have done. Not only do we make bad decisions and sin, a lot of the time even after we have repented for those sins satan will still use those same mistakes that Christ has already forgiven us from to handcuff us from being worthy enough to love our spouse as we are called to. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of “I’ve done so many horrible things my wife doesn’t deserve to be loved by someone as terrible as me.” If you have truly repented and asked Christ for forgiveness then the next step is to ask your spouse for forgiveness for all the wrong you have done and if they give you forgiveness then at that moment you are to begin living out that forgiveness. Being trapped in negativity is not what your spouse needs in that season. Your spouse needs to SEE and WITNESS transformation in your life that you are LIVING life differently. Talk is cheap, no one knows you better than your spouse (hopefully) and your spouse seeing you live out Christs will and calling for your life is only going to strengthen your marriage. It’s not that a miracle switch is flipped and everything is honeymoon season, there is going to be scars that will need healing and there will be late nights and tears shed but there is NOTHING on this earth worth fighting for more than your spouse and marriage. Christ calls husbands to love your wife with a sacrificial love just as He gave his life for the church. We are to die to our selfish desires and sacrifice our “self” to love and serve our spouse. “But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” 1 Corinthians 6:11 ESV. Nowhere in scripture are we told we must live in a pit of guilt and shame, we are washed, sanctified, and justified in the name of the Lord and we are called to turn from away from evil, do good, seek peace and pursue it. If you think guilt and shame has no negative effects on you then your mistaken. The National Institute of Mental Health did a study a few years ago that as far as the brain is concerned physical pain and the emotional pain of shame triggers the same exact reaction as physical pain does.... They both deeply initiate the sympathetic nervous system response that everyone knows as “fight or flight”. Carrying intense shame for long periods wrecks your body unlike anything else... you will have a greatly increase risk for anxiety, depression, GI/Digestive problems, headaches, muscle tension/pain, heart disease, heart attack, high blood pressure, stroke, weight gain, sleep disturbances, memory and concentration impairment and many other issues.... Guilt and shame is satans way of wrecking your health effortlessly through your own thoughts and in turn this will negatively affect your marriage relationship. (Psalm 34:14) If you feel like all you have done is screw up your marriage, give it to God and turn to Him for healing in it. God wants your marriage to be honoring to Him and no matter what the enemy or anyone else may say, you are worthy, you are deserving to have an amazing marriage full of laughter, love, peace, joy, happiness, and security. Don’t spend another day falling for satans lies, give all your guilt and shame to Christ, even if you have to do it daily we aren’t called to carry that, give it to Him so that you will be free to serve Him and your spouse better.