Let go….
As I was leaving the ICU 2 weeks ago, after what felt like the longest day of my life, the nurse stopped me at the door and said “ I have to ask. If your husbands heart stops beating do you want us to do everything we can?” Talk about a reality gut punch. I’ve been a nurse for over 15 years…. I know the drill. I know you have to ask this question….but I also know that question isn’t asked unless it’s a real possibility. Especially in this setting.
I got to my hotel room that night about 10pm. I caught myself just staring at the wall and I looked at my phone to see that it was around midnight.
Nothing makes you feel more helpless than watching your person fight for their life….and there is nothing you can do. I had watched multiple doctors, nurses, respiratory therapist, rad tech, the list goes on come in and out of my husbands room all day. I knew every lab value that they were saying, and what that meant. I knew every medication they were giving and why. I saw the chest x-ray and quickly realized what we were dealing with. I knew the diagnosis’s. And even with all that knowledge, I had zero control over the situation….but I knew who did.
I wrote some notes over Psalm 46 about a year ago, and for some reason I just haven’t wrote a blog post yet. But I stumbled across my notes while I was sitting and waiting.
Psalm 46:1 says “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” I’ve never had to take refuge from something before. In a disaster people are told to seek refuge or shelter. In this disaster, I had to seek refuge in the only thing that I knew was true….Gods promise.
I know that God was in the midst of this storm with us. He was my absolute strength. I believe with all my heart that Jesus was interceding on Andrew’s behalf. God was present in that ICU room. When things weren’t going great I would send about a hand full of text messages to some pretty fierce prayer warriors. When people would ask what I needed, my answer was prayers. The amount of prayers that we sent up on Andrew’s behalf is overwhelming.
Psalm 46:10 says “Be still, and know that I am God.” The phrase “be still” is derived from the Hebrew (yes I’m a nerd) word “rapha” which means to release, let go, or grow slack. Basically, it means to surrender.
Let go and know that I am God. Surrender and know that I am God.
When I originally wrote these notes, the “Be still” (let go) was regarding ministry, businesses, our testimony, church home, etc…..so the “letting go” was a little easier in those situations.
Letting go when your husbands life lays in the balance….not so easy.
Andrew was on a vent for 8 days. In those 8 days I had to let go. Let go of what I thought I could control. Let go and have faith that God would do what he says he will do. Surrender everything to him. It was one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I truly believe God teaches us in every situation. There isn’t a moment taken for granted to show us Gods amazing glory.
I’m not saying I will never be a control freak again…..that would be a straight up lie. But I will say that being still in the middle of storms may be a little easier moving forward.
All of this to say, invite God into your storm. Invite him into your disaster. When the storm comes, because it will, seek shelter in the one thing you know is true. Take refuge in his hope. Be still, let go, and know that he will do what he says. Gods promises never fall short.