How did we get here…….

If this is a question you have ever asked yourself or your spouse then welcome to the group. Sadly I hate admitting that I have asked myself that question more times than I want to admit. War doesn’t happen by accident. There is always a build up of conflict that leads to an eventual battle. Spiritual warfare within marriage is no different. You don’t trip and fall into an affair, you don’t accidentally make a wrong turn and now your prisoner to an addiction you never would have dreamed of, you don’t wake up one morning welcoming yourself to a pit of depression that you can’t see the light out of. None of these things happen by accident.

Maybe a year ago, I don’t know maybe six months ago, my concept of time is a hurricane so i really don’t know how long ago, but at some point within the last year or so i had walked into our bedroom and Tasha was lying in bed and she asked me the question “How do I KNOW your a different person than you have been the last 10 years, how am i supposed to believe you are different? I almost didn’t even think about how or what to respond with except the honest truth that came next without me even thinking about it. My answer was “Because for the last almost 18 years I have never loved myself…. “ For me responding with that was almost as simple and effortless as if she had asked me “what’s your favorite flavor of ice cream” the answer just fell out and I’m not sure that I have ever in the last 10 years seen the look that Tasha had in that moment. On one hand it almost looked as if it hurt her or broke her heart and that was in no way my intention. Then it transitioned to a look of “I just found the cure for cancer.” Almost as if everything that has happened leading up to this point in our marriage, the culmination of 10 years, finally made sense in some form or fashion for her. All of the brokenness that she watched almost destroy everything that she loves finally opened a door that we can walk through together to begin to heal. All of the “stuff” the relentless drug abuse, alcohol, lying, adultery, all of those things weren’t the source of the suffering, they were the expressed symptoms of a much deeper sickness that was anchored at the base of my heart in a very deep and dark place.

Back to the questions “How did we get here?” To fully understand that we have to rewind to 2004. Unmet expectations. These are the foundation for almost all roads to pain and regret in our lives. I spent two years praying and fully believing that my personal expectations for my mother were going to come true, because God is all powerful and performs miracles and is the ultimate healer…. Which is true but for a 15/16 year old that concept comes across as black and white and it’s much more than that. When the expectation that my mother was going to be healed and no longer live a life of suffering did not come true, that laid the first brick on the foundation of the wall that I would end up building to hide myself behind for almost two decades. I fully believed with all my heart that she would be healed and the pain of that not coming true broke my heart. I thought the sole reason for my pain was God caused my pain rather than rescuing me from the pain. I believed the lie “God did this to me.” The only path out of that pain is by being rescued by God FROM that pain, but I believed he CAUSED it, and since he didn’t rescue my mom from it why in the world would he ever care to rescue ME from it now.

Believing that lie paved the road for me to wreck everything in life that I loved. It didn’t happen overnight, that’s not how the enemy works. He knew when I was 17 I was never going to try drugs or alcohol, he kept pressure on the pain in my heart that “God did this and He doesn’t love or care about you because if He did you wouldn’t be hurting like this.” Hearing that over the course of YEARS you begin to absolutely believe it and live by it and accept it as truth in your life. I kept the mask on and played the part because at a young age I was groomed to be that person. There was no one in my world being REAL in my life. I was surrounded by everyone saying and doing all the right things rather than someone stepping up and being open honest and real with me. You will always find the evidence for what you choose to believe and I believed a complete lie as if it was reality. I stopped believing all of the “church talk” and biblical truths for what God says about me and let it go in one ear and out the other. I allowed a temporary season in my life to become a permanent narrative that I honestly thought would be the rest of my life. Satan got to a place in my life where he no longer had to whisper the lies to me anymore because I fully believed them as truth and accepted it as much as I accept the freckles on my skin. It was my truest reality and the reassurance that it was truth was the pain that was not a temporary season and continued on for years. The quality control for it was “does it still hurt like it happened yesterday? Yep sure does, then the lies are no longer lies and they are my truth.”  The easiest time to agree with satans lies are when we are in pain. Jesus never promised to remove pain from our lives but that he would ALWAYS be an ever present help in time of need and will be with us during our painful seasons. If I had any brain cell function at all I would have acknowledged that God didn’t save his son from the pain and suffering of dying on the cross, it was HIS WILL and HE KNOWS the exact pain that I felt all those years ago. But my younger ignorant self rationalized that as “its an old bible story that gets told on a felt board AND He’s God so he’s stronger AND he knew Jesus was going to rise from the grave three days later and save mankind from eternity in hell.” But my mom…. She just had to suffer and die with no explanation and no comfort from that pain during that season so in a way satans lies were almost soothing in a sense. If lies are comforting to you then you HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE. Those secret lies satans has you believe can destroy your entire life.

Believing lies as truth leads you to “how did we get here?”. If you’re asking that then the next thing you need to ask yourself is “How do we get out of here?” You must acknowledge lies as lies and believe truth as truth. Truth in its truest form is complete open honest transparency. It’s the second nature response without a question of truth, “For the last 18 years I have never loved myself.” Your marriage restoration absolutely requires a foundation of truth to build upon. Take off the mask be vulnerable and expose yourself to your spouse. If Jesus knows a truth about you then your spouse needs to know that truth about you. Your marriage isn’t a contract its a covenant between you, your spouse, and Jesus. If you want the savior to strengthen your marriage then the savior, yourself, and your spouse must all be in this marriage together. My spouse isn’t stupid, she knows I’ve got scars, no matter how much I want to play the part she can see right past it. So expose your seasons of pain that can help your spouse understand “how did we get here?”

Your spouse is your single greatest source of strength on this earth, Christ is your ultimate source and second to him is your spouse. Nothing and no one on this earth is above them so nothing on this earth and provide the support and strength that you need like they can. Fearing you’re going to let them down or disappoint them… that ship left years ago so bury your ego and know that the person you “think you are” is not the person you truly are and thats nothing more than a counterfeit. God himself in Genesis chapter 2 paints a clear picture that our spouse is our HELPMATE and the two of us become one flesh. By that clear definition there is no separation between a husband and wife and the anchor of that relationship MUST BE rooted in Christ alone and his will for our lives and our marriage. Your spouse is your greatest asset and strength for overcoming pain in this life, but you have to let them.

You can relentlessly fill the empty pit of pain in your life with so many unfulfilling temporary “fixes” that in the end accomplish nothing other than digging the hole deeper, making the pain hurt that much more painful, and deteriorate your relationship with everyone around you. Drugs wont numb it, lies wont eliminate it, fake it till you make it wont change a thing, alcohol wont close it, adultery wont fill it, the only thing that will close that pit of pain in your life is Christ. Show your spouse the pit and watch them pick you up and pull your through it rather than shove your nose in it like the enemy might have you believe. Your spouse can become the scar that helps heal your wounds, but you have to expose the wound to them for them to be able to help you heal.